"Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache: do be my enemy for friendship's sake." - William Blake1._phil_and_his_shuttle

I'm not the smartest person in the world. I may not even be the smartest person in my living room right now, because the cat walked in and one of the Angry White Men from MSNBC just came on. I'm certainly not the smartest person on this webpage. There's Randi -- he's so wicked smart that his nickname is actually "The Amazing." How many games of Trivial Pursuit do you have to win before you get that moniker slapped on you? JREF President Phil Plait is an actual astronomer with an actual degree in nuclear telescopes or something. All I have going for me is several years of drinking away a scholarship.

But even I, just by reading books and arguing with the neighborhood kids about moral relativism, know that saying a thing does not make it so.

Yes, friendsofscience.org. I'm looking at you.

In the Real World, I have a Real Job that requires a considerable amount of travel. How much? Well, I drive with my shoes off and have come up with an offensive sea shanty for every small town along a 300 mile stretch of highway. I spend so much time in my car that I have heard a radio ad for science. You read that right -- in between the pitch for snow tires and an important message about hair renewal, I heard an ad for science.

Science! Way to go George de Mestral and Norman Borlaug! In your face, alchemists and druids!2._beakers

But I was soon conflicted. Science is a great thing, but I could not think what kind of science would pay to run ads on the radio. Did science have a new, lemony scent? Was science going to guarantee me a bigger refund on my income tax return? Would science participate in a live, no-holds-barred Texas Death Match? Why were they talking this way?

Oh wait, I thought to myself, humming a shanty. I've heard this before. This is the sound of crap science.

The tone of the advert was serious and sincere, but it failed to mention how much crap science friendsofscience.org was involved with. So I looked it up, as can you. The final number was somewhere between 93 and 116 percent. (You might want to check my figures, since I'm not a math guy.)

I got home and went to the "friends" website. Calling this warm loaf of climate change denial "friendly to science" would be like saying that Michael Steele is friendly to black people. The people at "friendsofscience.org" are as concerned with doing genuine science as a hooker is concerned about earning your genuine affection. (This should certainly not be seen as a slight to sex trade workers, as they at least do something useful.)

It's hard to express how crapulent this all is. The "friendsofscience.org" group is the Canadian wing of the climate change deniers who get paid in dry-cleaned oil dollars to use the last 10% of a graph or to copy and paste 30% of an article to make it sound like it agrees with them. And they create the appearance of disagreement among scientists so they can wedge in their pre-purchased "scientific" alternative.

3._zombiesThey are not scientists and they are not skeptics. They are paid spokespersons. They are the Sham Wow guy. If the friends of science people were being paid by the folks who invented zombies, they would have a lot to say about coming back from the dead, but the part about shambling, decomposing, and brain-eating would be conveniently omitted. "Remember!" they might add: "For too long scientists have spewed nonsense about zombies eating people's heads like Cinnabons. Teach the controversy!"

The website has the following mind altering secrets that The Man doesn't want you to know. (My brilliant rebuttals are in parentheses.)

1. The earth is cooling. (Unless you look at the entire chart.)

2. The Sun causes climate change. (Yes, Virginia, the sun is a heat source, but you need CO2 to trap it.)

3. Al Gore was wrong about CO2. (Maybe, but it's sure hard to tell when you crop the hell out of your source.)

4. Violent weather isn't getting worse. (Unless you ask NASA, or New Orleans.)

5. It's been hotter. (Yes, let's roll the dice on that, too.)

(By the way, is it just me or is #5 the worst reason you've ever heard? It's been hotter? So what? It can still be too hot now. You could literally use this argument for anything. Got strep throat? Too bad, the doctor will say -- it's not nearly as bad as cholera or dysentery.)

6. Climate computer models are proven wrong. (Unless they aren't, you dumbass.)

The really good news (seriously) is that hucksters of this type have been compelled to steal your words. This means that the science and skepticism are winning. If they need to cloud the debate by imitating their opposition, it's not because they are interested in evidence or in critically examining the facts. It's because they are getting thumped.