Internet Radio is pretty interesting, and we're committed to it, every Thursday night at 9:00, Florida time. That's 2:00 h. GMT on Friday morning, don'tcha know. Our first foray into the medium (which should not be called "radio" at all, since it's really "audio," and not much more) was last Thursday, and we received welcome e-mail messages from Canada, the USA, Australia, and Scotland — before some mysterious power shut us down at 9:40. Supernatural, obviously. We believe that glitch is now solved, so you can reach us by e-mail at radio@randi.org, or by fax at +1-954-467-1660, and by regular phone at +1-954-467-1112. Get in touch at any time, and leave a message. We'll handle your inquiries, comments, suggestions, as they come in. And — you can catch the program via archival storage, anytime during the week following. More about that, later.

How not to win the acceptance and praise of the scientific world? India has given us so many great mathematicians, philosophers, physicians, and academics in general, that this news item grieves us. Murali Manohar Joshi is the Science Minister of India. He was formerly the Union Human Resources Development Minister, and in November of last year was photographed kissing the feet of Satya Sai Baba, the most popular "god-man" of that continent, of whom we have written here before. As a result, I think that we can accept this man's commitment to naivety. Now, Minister Joshi has announced that thirty-five of that country's two hundred universities must set up "science degree" courses in astrology. Joshi, a physicist and a prominent figure in the ruling political party, is said to believe that ancient Sanskrit writings, the Vedas and Upanishads, hold the key to all scientific knowledge.

The classes in Jyotir Vigyan — astrological science, in Sanskrit — will begin this year. India's leading scientists have condemned the decree, arguing that the country's scientific credibility will be eroded. Professor Pushpa Bhargava, a leading Indian biologist, told Nature magazine that there is no justification for spending huge amounts of scarce research and education money on the pseudoscience called Vedic astrology. But it appears that no one in authority is heeding these rational objections. Science Minister Joshi's decision is supported by the Indian University Grants Commission, which says that astrology qualifies as a science "because it needs probing investigation and research." No it doesn't. It's claptrap, always has been claptrap, and has been shown to be claptrap. Or will India now announce that Claptrap itself should be considered a science — because it "needs probing investigation and research"? Can you become a CD — a Doctor of Claptrap — at Indian universities, now?

Astrology in India — as all over the world — has been spectacularly wrong, though of course no amount of failure will ever damage a thoroughly entrenched mythology, as we've seen so often throughout history. I recall that after long contemplation of their ancient art, the astrologers of India agreed that on February 3rd, 1962, at exactly 5:35 p.m., life on Earth would end. Though there was no noticeable abandonment of personal property on the part of the soothsayers themselves, businesses nationwide were closed, sacrificial fires lit up the night across the continent, and panic set in among the general populace. The next day — surprise, surprise — the sun rose on a world that still maintained its belief in astrology, and minor mumblings about alibis, rationalizations, and excuses, were soon heard no more.

Hey, are we doing much better? Real PhDs here in the USA have declared the reality of ghosts, of alien abductions, of powers of dowsing, and of "free energy" systems. We're catching up on India, rapidly.

We've received an application to our JREF challenge from Russia which reads simply and directly, which is at least a refreshing change from the usual rambling descriptions we labor over. Though the writer initially addresses the message to "Mr. James Andy," he continues....

Dear James Randy!

I send you the signed contract about our joint work. The 1st work is "Recognition of the white and black colors". Put one black piece of paper in one envelope, the white one in another envelope, mix them. Then facing north put one envelope to the left and the 2nd to the right of You and call up 2-12-51. I'll answer You from Taganrog what color is the piece of the paper in each envelope. The experiment takes place 10-12 times, the positive result is achieved if the percentage of recognition is >50%.

Yours truly Eugene Zheleznyak.

Mr. Zheleznyak exhibits some naivety about mathematics here. He has a 38% chance of success in 10 guesses, 39% chance in 12 guesses. Not odds I'm about to accept. The question here, as always, is: just what convinces people that they can actually guess such matters better than chance? In this case, it's probably just poor math, but in so many cases we see much more sophisticated people really convinced that they can beat the odds — when a brief visit to Las Vegas would perhaps convert them quickly. I say, "perhaps," because I know these folks. They're firmly locked into delusion, and are doomed to live there forever.

Lynn Howarth, a UK mother-of-seven, has claimed that a stage hypnosis show turned her into a suicidal "zombie." She may now receive £6,500 to compensate her for depression she said she suffered as a result of a "hypnotism" performance by an actor known as Phil Damon. Ms. Howarth also said that Damon's act reawakened memories of sexual abuse she underwent when she was eight years old. That depression, she claimed, had caused her to twice attempt suicide by driving her car "towards a tree."

Justice Leveson, the presiding judge on the case, said that the stage act "caused her to regress to an age when she was sexually abused and, as a result, suffer depressive illness." The judge stated: "This case is not about whether stage hypnosis as a form of entertainment carries with it inescapable risks of danger . . . It's simply about whether on this particular evening this particular hypnotist failed to ensure that his instructions were sufficiently clear for his volunteers not to indulge in that known danger of age regression."

Nonsense. The judge is out of his depth here. When he decided, based upon testimony presented, that Ms. Howarth has now recalled that she was the victim of "persistent childhood sexual abuse," and that her memories of the events were rekindled during a hypnotized state, he's simply all wet. This is his naive acceptance of the ridiculous "repressed memory" nonsense that in the USA is now beginning to be recognized for what it is, and with regularity now, victims are being awarded very substantial sums by the courts for incompetent, pseudo-scientific, amateurish, "therapy" delivered by quacks.

Margaret Harper, the founder of the Campaign Against Stage Hypnotism in the UK, said that she was "absolutely delighted" at the verdict that was brought against Damon. "We know, first hand, people are constantly damaged," she said, and was joined in her enthusiasm by Campaign member and hypnotherapist Derek Crüssell. Odd indeed, in my view. Apparently Crüssell can use this dangerous "tool" freely, but others can't. In any case, hypnosis is merely an agreement between the subject and the operator that they will fantasize together, nothing more. It may well have some limited value as a psychiatric tool, but it's not a "power," it's not a "force," it's a role-playing game, and only highly emotional persons will react as Ms. Howarth did. She probably would have reacted to any suggestion, by anyone, that would produce imaginary events and the resultant trauma. We've no idea whether the woman did actually suffer childhood abuse, but judging from what's being uncovered almost daily in similar cases here in the USA, it's not very likely. Serious research flaws, directed questioning, unsupported assertions, distortions of reality, outright lies, and operational errors, have given rise to an entire industry based upon quackery.

Mr. Justice Leveson is misinformed in these matters, and what he needed in his courtroom was a proper "expert witness" to define and clarify what actually happened to Ms. Howarth. The judge's decision is a decided step backwards for UK justice.

Want to know more? Go to www.FMSFonline.org and be prepared for a shock. That's the web page of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation in Philadelphia, a dedicated group just now seeing light at the end of their long and dangerous tunnel.

Readers of this page are pretty ingenious folks. No sooner do we discuss retrophrenology (see last week) but someone improves on the new science. Michael Miller suggests:

As a true test of phrenology, what about using counterretrophrenology: the altering of one's personality to change the bumps on your head? It has the advantage of permitting objective validation of subjective change.

The possibilities are endless. Another reader (I lost his name, sorry!) has reduced retrophrenology to understandable terms:

Phrenology, as everyone knows, is a way of reading someone's character, aptitude and abilities by examining the bumps and hollows on their head. Therefore — according to the kind of logical thinking that characterizes the Ankh-Morpork mind — it should be possible to "mould" someone's character by giving them carefully graded bumps in all the right places. You can go into a shop and order an artistic temperament with a tendency to introspection and a side order of hysteria. What you actually get is hit on the head with a selection of different size mallets, but it creates employment and keeps the money in circulation, and that's the main thing.

How true. Where would we be without such wisdom to guide us?

For a splendid example of psycho-babble, invented terminology, pseudoscience, and techno-garbage, it's hard to beat this beauty:

Imagine! POWDERIZED CRYSTALS AND GEMSTONES IN A SOOTHING, ODOR FREE, OINTMENT...

Working Synergistically with your bodies own bio-energy, Crystal Synergy creates a soothing sensation by simply using powderized Crystals and gemstones in an ointment which all work with the energy within your body and affect the vital force in various and beneficial ways. Imagine having the means to relieve the suffering from pain and stiffness in your joints, headaches, muscle spasms or for that matter most prolonged periods of pain and agony that dictate the lifestyle you must submit to rather than choose. Second Wind relieves stress, strain, and fear caused by Asthma, Emphysema and other respiratory ailments. Imagine the relief you would feel at being able to breathe deeply without pain or tightness! Many have had incredible improvements in their respiratory status with the use of this bio-energy product.

Well stop IMAGINING...because the specific effects of various crystals, minerals and gemstones on the body has been well documented and each one has a particular quality and a specific effect on the body. Its a proven fact, not a product of our imagination that healers of both people and animals have used this method to bring about Relief of painful discomforts of many origins.

For more information on these incredible products call (413)751-5246 or send an email to: carole411@myrealbox.com.

You'll need a lot of imagination to believe that ground-up "crystals, minerals and gemstones" — "powderized" or not — are going to do anything for you except remove that unsightly lump from your wallet. I'll refrain from playing with the expression, "Second Wind," but it ain't easy......

Scott Romanowski suggests yet another breakthrough in homeopathy....

You also discussed the extreme dilution of duck liver in homeopathic remedies. Why use a whole duck liver? Why don't homeopaths just extract a few cells and use them? Isn't it cruel to kill even one duck when a few cells will provide all they'll ever need? I'm sure that I can even improve on that, just put a duck in a tank of water and perform the "shake ten times in each axis" procedure (slosh, thud, quack; slosh, thud, quack; maybe I'd better not). Okay, take some water that a duck sloshed around in of its own free will then. Take some pond water and voila, a solution at least as effective as those prepared by homeopathic practitioners.

Scott misses the well-known fact that ducks — and their livers — taste very, very, good. I believe in practical experimentation, and I'm willing to offer myself for research into duck d'orange and other varieties of scientific endeavor, no matter how arduous.

I've had an inquiry from a friend in France, one of those many persons who is being sued — at any given time — by Uri Geller. He has asked me to track down a news item that came out years ago about Geller claiming that he was able to kill cancer cells. If any of you can save me from going through thousands of records here just to locate that item, I'd be appreciative indeed. Anyone? I recall that Geller also mentioned that he'd killed a pig with his mighty "mind power" for the CIA, but that doesn't seem to have changed the world very much. Nor has spoon-bending, either..... So both pigs and ducks can relax a bit.....

It's pretty simple once you realise that each shape must contain one square from the centre four, and must have a total area of 5 square units.

Now, students, how do we know that Matthew is from the UK....?

Jim Cina tells us, in an observation that pleased Martin Gardner:

The solutions are related in an elementary way. Imagine a snake five units long crawling along the border, never crossing from one center square to another center square. It will generate all the solutions including mirror images.

Done! Enough! Here's something that a few of you just might know, but not many, I'm sure. The sequence shown here is based on a well-known Christmas song. What is the song, and how is this sequence derived?

*UDDDD DRRDU DDDDD RRURD UUUUU DDRUD DDU