I travel a lot and I try to take advantage of the hotel's amenities where appropriate. As I'm not in the least bit picky about shampoo and conditioner, I will most often use what's provided. And I've been noticing a disturbing trend: soap makers want to cover me with food. Specifically, they want to fill my hair with fruit. Newsflash: I am not Carmen Miranda.

I've seen ginger, green tea, white tea, vanilla, almond, coconut, spearmint, peppermint, raspberry, parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. But today, I reached my limit. Today's choice: bamboo.

Pandas favor bamboo and Tiki lounges employ it effectively. I like bamboo as well, and once owned several delightful acres of it in Virginia. That said, bamboo has none of the qualities I want associated with my hair. It is stiff, brittle, and green. It also grows quickly, which may be seen to have some advantage, but honestly I'd prefer barber visits to be spread out as much as possible.

Do you know what I do want in my hair? Chemicals. That's right, I want sodium lauryl sulfate, which has been used for many decades because it is safe and effective at cleaning hair.  I want emulsifiers, preservatives, and yes, a mild fragrance is nice. I do not want bamboo in my hair. I don't care if the ingredients are "natural" or not. "Natural" is a meaningless term, in this regard. Water is just as natural as cyanide (it comes from fruit!), arsenic, uranium, and Ebola for that matter. I WANT WHAT IS SAFE AND EFFECTIVE. And I don't care if it comes from a lab or a forest.

I understand that it's fashionable to have as many fruits and nuts on yourself as possible, but I would really like to keep my food wearing down to the obligatory gravy stain on my tie, thank you. By the way, I found a sure-fire way to avoid gravy stains on ties: don't wear ties.

And one last thing... some of us need glasses and we can't see well in the shower. Do you think you could make the conditioner bottle a different color than the shampoo bottle? At least the cap? Please?