Massage is an area of healthcare that is replete with pseudoscience. There are many legitimate practitioners, but the consumer needs to be careful when seeking a massage therapist
Recently, I attempted such a search to treat shoulder aches from many hours spent at my desk. I’ve been feeling like those evolution spoofs posters showing hunched over primates evolving into homo sapiens hunched over a computer.
I started my search online and quickly learned there are some key words that suggest whether your experience will be a therapeutic one or not. A consumer may end up getting less or (much) more than they bargained for; so what follows is a list of linguistic red flags.
Advertisements for erotic massage are full of code words and euphemisms. This list is by no means definitive, but some tip-off terms include body rub, full body, adult, sensual, nude, Tantra, open-minded, intimate, discrete, and private. They will probably offer gender-specific massage, incalls at their homes, or outcalls to hotels, and services such as “four hands” or “in and out”. They may ask for a specific “donation”, rather than charging a fee.
These masseuses won’t call themselves “therapists”, or list themselves as “certified”. However, they will probably list their sexuality and ethnicity, describe their appearance and vital statistics, and include provocative photos. They may even tell you how they dress, how they don’t dress, or how they can dress, such as the following ad:
Upon request, I’ll arrive as a:
1) Businessman in designer-label suit & tie
2) Salesman in chinos & golf shirt
3) Carpenter in jeans, T-shirt, tools & Hardhat
4) Biker in Leathers ‘n Boots, on a Harley. Harley ride available (weather-permitting)
5) Cowboy in Western jeans, western shirt, cowboy boots ‘n hat
Even if you avoid the happy endings successfully you need to watch out for metaphysical massages. Ayurvedic, hot stone, back walking, cranial sacral therapy, rolfing, bowen therapy, and acupressure massages are among the list of unproven and potentially dangerous therapies. To attract more clients and money, many therapists will offer alternative add-ons, including acupuncture, chiropractic, cupping, reiki and reflexology. While massage may be beneficial for anxiety, depression and pain, any form of massage that claims to cure disease is questionable.
Some practitioners will assure you that they are “reputable”, “qualified” or “professional”, but to gauge what these words mean you need to read the rest of the ad. If the individual is “professional” and offers “prostate massage”, you might want to think twice… In contrast, genuine massage therapists offer sports, therapeutic or rehabilitative forms of massage. They will be licensed, and tend to be more expensive, although some therapists accept health insurance.
During a recent conversation with Colorado skeptic Elaine Gilman, I discovered she is taking a course in massage therapy. Her course is bone fide, despite an initially misleading claim that ‘massage may be contraindicated with homeopathy’:
It’s protocol to take a health history before giving massage. Some things are contraindicated. For instance, one wouldn't do deep tissue massage on someone with osteoporosis. If a client has varicose veins, you wouldn’t work below the veins, and there are other things to look out for, edema, circulation issues. It was stated in a syllabus that we need to be aware of any homeopathic treatments because massage may interfere with the treatment. Of course, it’s important to know why a person is doing homeopathy, because the condition itself may be contraindicated, but yeah, it cracked me up when I read it.
After dodging online ads for erotic and alternative practitioners, I finally found a woo-free establishment; or so I thought. I visited the premises, had a quick consultation with a therapist and made an appointment. Until that time, she suggested I apply castor oil to a flannel cloth and wrap this around my neck with a heat pack. Of course, she sold these products. I glanced at the packaging and noticed that it read:
Recommended in the Edgar Cayce readings.
For anyone who isn’t familiar with the name, Cayce (1877-1945) was an infamous medical intuitive known as the “sleeping prophet” who prescribed archaic and useless remedies for his patients.
So the search for a legitimate massage therapist continues…
Karen Stollznow is a research fellow for the James Randi Educational Foundation.